WHAT’S PLAYING: The Pierces “Lights On”
Lately, I’ve been frustrated with society in general, and our government in particular, so I decided to tap into my internal Evil Overlord and come up with ways to make things better.
When I Come to Power:
1. People who take up two parking spaces shall have their cars crushed and melted.
If you’re that worried about other people accidentally scratching or dinging your car, then invest in a bicycle or walk. An expensive car does not give you the right to be a dick.
2. People who talk or text during movies shall be forced to watch artsy, foreign films that have no plot, minimal dialogue and lots of weird images without subtitles for six hours. Once again, having a cell phone and people who are willing to communicate with you doesn’t give you the right to fuck with my movie-going experience.
3. Telemarketers shall only be allowed to call people between the hours of 3:00PM and 3:02PM. This also goes for politicians, charities, survey polls, etc., anyone looking for money or time.
Companies that violate this rule shall be fined $100,000, and their CEO’s beat with a bag of oranges.
5. Last, but not least, those who don’t do their jobs, shall not get fucking paid.
Seriously, Congress, enough is enough. Strap on a set and do the right thing.