Power Trip

WHAT’S PLAYING: The Pierces “Lights On”

Lately, I’ve been frustrated with society in general, and our government in particular, so I decided to tap into my internal Evil Overlord and come up with ways to make things better.  

When I Come to Power:

1. People who take up two parking spaces shall have their cars crushed and melted.

car-crusher-2a

If you’re that worried about other people accidentally scratching or dinging your car, then invest in a bicycle or walk. An expensive car does not give you the right to be a dick. 

2. People who talk or text during movies shall be forced to watch artsy, foreign films that have no plot, minimal dialogue and lots of weird images without subtitles for six hours. Once again, having a cell phone and people who are willing to communicate with you doesn’t give you the right to fuck with my movie-going experience.

3. Telemarketers shall only be allowed to call people between the hours of 3:00PM and 3:02PM. This also goes for politicians, charities, survey polls, etc., anyone looking for money or time.

angry_phone

Companies that violate this rule shall be fined $100,000, and their CEO’s beat with a bag of oranges.

4. Stores that play Christmas music before December 1 shall be forced to shut down for the entire Holiday season and give out free candy, teddy bears and wish-granting unicorns.

5. Last, but not least, those who don’t do their jobs, shall not get fucking paid.  

angry american indian

Seriously, Congress, enough is enough. Strap on a set and do the right thing.

You’re welcome.

The Times, They Are A ‘Changing

WHAT’S PLAYING: Placebo “Running up that Hill”

Last month, I learned that my nuclear power plant would not be taking on new fuel next year, so by late 2014, the doors will shut for good and I’ll be out of a job.

monkey surprise

As you can imagine, my gut reaction was pure panic. “But I just bought a new car! I have a five-year plan! I’M NOT READY!”

And then I went to my crazy place.

I started coming up with scenarios that would allow me to survive in a nuclear power free world. You name it, I thought of it. Everything from selling my teeth to going off the grid and wearing nothing but blue gingham and ass-less chaps. By the end the day, I was mentally fashioning the spear I would use to hunt rats for food.

A couple of days later, I decided to go on vacation. I needed time and space to calm down and gain some perspective. I attended Donal Maass’ Writing the Breakout Novel Intensive and spent a fantastic week in Virginia Beach surrounded by some very talented writer and taking long, peaceful walks through the garden below:

Garden

It took some time, and a lot of soul-searching, but I finally realized that I’m in a pretty good place. Thanks to living well below my means the last 10 years, I’m financially secure with no debt, mortgage, kids or spouse to worry about. For the first time in my life, I don’t need to work. I can go anywhere and do anything I want. With this realization came a heady sense of freedom, followed immediately by overwhelming fear.

What the hell am I going to do? Take a year off and write full-time? Cast my net into the nuclear power river and see who bites? Raise ocelots? Start a business selling toupees for bald chimps?

Or maybe, just maybe, stop obsessing about the future and just live my life? 

I don’t know. But one thing I have decided is that as soon as my job has officially ended, I’m going to Ireland for a month. There, I’ll spend my time with just a laptop, my thoughts, and a view like this one. 

irish cottage

Who knew unemployment could be so beautiful?

Happy Native American Day!

WHAT’S PLAYING: Jessie JDo it Like a Dude

Yes, I know it’s not a Federal Holiday, but it should be. Besides, it’s my blog and I’ll post what I want to, thank you very much.

So, go out and hug a random American Indian today.

 

native american day

 

And then run away before they punch you in the face or call the police.